


The way of the Perfect Husband

by Apricots_from_Nara



Series: Ice and Chitin [3]
Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Cell is a good dad, Common Cold, Domestic, Gen, Misuse of Dragon Balls, Parody, Theft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 07:57:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19848880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apricots_from_Nara/pseuds/Apricots_from_Nara
Summary: A few looks into the everyday life of Cell who now has the role of a “house husband” and father.A DBZ Parody of Gokushufudou: The Way of the House Husband. Some chapters are based on situations that appeared in the manga, others are just my own little creation.





	1. Knives

“Okay Cell I have to go out for the day alright?” Poppy pulled on her boots, “ Doing my hair again. Think you can handle watching Mita?”

Cell scoffed. “Of course I can handle it. I’m Perfect Cell. Fighting, raising my son, cooking, babysitting. I am good at all of it.”

Poppy looked at Cell blankly, and Cell cleared his throat. 

“Sorry…” He mumbled.

“At least your learning to not brag to me. I already know you are great. A simple yes is fine.” She walked up to him, her hands on his shoulders, “I’ll be back soon.”

“No, take your time, You need a little time to yourself now. He’s growing so fast and I see its stressing you out.” Cell kissed the top of her head, “Even stay out all night if you want. We will be fine.”

Poppy pulled away, turning to Mita who was already strong enough for a highchair. He looked up at her, smiling. He let out a bit of babble, grinning as Poppy kissed the top of his head.

“Be a good boy for daddy honey. Mommy will be back.” She kissed the top of his head a few more times before finally getting her keys and leaving.

Cell sighed. What an eventful three months. This would be good for Poppy. Mita was growing very quickly, and that was stressful for her. He was eating too much for her to breastfeed him now, and she had to compensate with bottle feeding.

For some reason that made her depressed. He didn’t understand why really. She was a wonderful mother. It wasn’t her fault their boy had an appetite like a saiyan.

He clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “Alright. Let's get you out of that high chair and into the playpen.” 

Cell picked Mita up, making a zooming sound as he carried him over to the playpen and set him down in it, handing him a few toys. “You be good. Daddy can tell when your not where you are supposed to be.” he poked his nose.

The doorbell suddenly rang, Cell frowning. Who the hell would be here? Goku never used the doorbell when he popped in to bug him. He just… Appeared.

Cell went up to the door, pulling it open. The door was shoved into his chest, a man rather aggressively making his way inside, and Cell instantly knew it was a traveling salesman. And a very rude and aggressive one at that.

If he had not been here, Poppy would of answered the door and been alone with him. Cell scowled.

“Can I help you?” Cell asked, the man looking up at him and then going pale in a matter of seconds.

“Erm… Uh… Would.. Would you like to buy some high quality knives?”

Well he was brave enough to pitch at him even though he clearly knew who he was. Cell sneered down at him. “Knives eh? Well I do fancy myself a chef…”

“Of… Of course you do.” The man said nervously, holding out the pamphlet to Cell.

“So what brings you out here? This is most certainly not a suburb.” Cell asked, looking the paper over. Very expensive indeed. Probably crap quality though. That’s what men like this were like. Scammers preying on women whose husbands were away at work.

“Well I was driving by and I saw this nice little house down a dirt road-”

Considering his aggression, he probably was desperate to make a sale. Cell held out a hand. “Let me see one.”

Cell was presented one of the knives. He twirled it in his fingers feeling it over as the man stammered about how good it was.

It was garbage. Off balance, poor quality steel, shoddy mass produced craftsmanship. The knives passed down from Poppy’s grandmother were superior, and they were decades old.

Cell looked down at the salesman, baring his teeth in a grin, making the man shrink under his gaze. “I think I will try this out. See if its really as good as you say.”

Cell pointed it at the man’s gut, like he was about to stab him. He kept looking down at him, the fellow now looking like he was about to wet himself. “Hold this will you? I have to put my son back in the highchair. Can’t leave him unattended.”

Relief flooded the man’s face, taking the knife from Cell with shaky hands. Cell walked to where Mita was, and moved to pick him up.

The door slammed, Cell glancing behind him. The man was gone, and Cell chuckled.

That would, at least for a while, keep the man from forcing his way into other’s homes.


	2. Accidents

“For the last time Goku, I am not training with you. I really need to be watching Mita right now. Poppy is sleeping.”

“Awe come on Cell. We don't have to leave. We got all this space around us. You will be close by.”

Cell scowled. “I said no. What would Chi-Chi say if she found out you skirted on watching a baby Gohan to go train?”

Goku’s face fell. “She would twist my arm behind my back and yell at me.”

“Exactly. Now Poppy can’t do that first one, but she is a master at giving me the cold shoulder.” Cell almost frowned at the thought of how cold she could be, utterly ignoring everything he said and not even reacting to him when he tried to coax a reaction out of her. He hated it when she got like that. 

Goku sagged. “Right. I’m sorry. I just get so caught up in training I forget about things like that.”

“Obviously.” Cell curled his lip, “Now if you please, I was painting with Mita.”

“Oh like finger painting? Awe I’ve not done that since Gohan was a baby.” Goku quickly took on an almost childlike quality to him, “Can I see what he’s making? Can I make something?”

Cell scowled and turned, leaving Goku on the porch as he went back inside, closing the door quietly in his face. He let out a slow breath. “Right… Now that that is out of the way…”

Mita was gone from his little area Cell had set up for painting. He quickly used his ki sense to feel for him.

Mita could crawl very quickly now, and stand up. Blasted Goku distracted him!

Cell walked quickly to the laundry room, the door open, a little red hand print on it. Crap he had forgotten to fiddle with the handle again. It didn’t close properly for some reason.

He stepped in, stiffening at what he saw.

Mita was pouring red paint into the laundry basket, right on top of one of Poppy’s favorite shirts.

A vintage Guns N’ Roses tour shirt from 1987. Her father had given it to her. The thing was worth at least 200$. “Mita, no!” he ran up and scooped his son up, the boy giggling innocently and slapping a red hand on Cell’s face, smearing paint on his cheek.

He set Mita to sit on the drier, pulling the shirt out of the hamper. Luckily nothing else was ruined, but the shirt was.

“Crap…” Cell hissed under his breath. Poppy would give him the cold shoulder if she found out about this. And he could not just hide it. She would notice it was gone for sure. 

He scooped Mita up under his arm, the shirt clutched in his other hand, and instant transmission to Bulma.

Bulma screamed, dropping her cup of coffee, Vegeta running in soon after.

“Cell what the hell are you doing here?!” Vegeta yelled, Mita crying from all the loud noises.

“Oh my god is that… Is that blood on you?!” Bulma exclaimed, covering her mouth.

Cell ground his teeth together. “It’s paint. I need the dragon radar.”

“What? Why?” Bulma cowered behind her husband, not really doing a good job hiding herself considering her husband was no taller than she was.

“I need to wish the shirt back to its original state.” Cell held it up, showing the red paint all over it.

Both Vegeta and Bulma went slack jawed. “You… You need to fix a shirt?”

“This is Poppy’s favorite shirt. A vintage 1987 Guns N’ Roses tour shirt. It's worth at least two hundred dollars and can sell upwards of one thousand. I need this fixed as soon as possible.”

Bulma went from scared to holding back laughter. “Oh my god… Are you serious?”

“It was a gift from her father. I need this fixed.”

Bulma leaned over, holding her stomach as she started roaring with laughter. Vegeta had an odd look on his face that looked half like rage, half like he too was on the verge of laughing. 

Cell rolled his eyes, putting a crying Mita into Vegeta’s arms. “Hold him. I will get the damned thing myself. Probably in a drawer somewhere.”

He went to her lab, rummaging through her things, and as he expected, tossed in a drawer. No wonder so many idiots got their hands on the damned thing so often. He stormed out, pointing at Vegeta who was holding Mita away from him like he was contaminated, Bulma having calmed down from her laughter.

“Hold him properly and watch him. I have Dragon Balls to collect.”

If there was a record for Dragon Ball collecting, Cell probably broke it. In no time at all he had all seven of them, his hands poised over them.

“Eternal Dragon, by your name, I summon you forth: Shenron!”

With a crash of lighting and the rolling in of dark clouds, a flash of light erupted from the dragon balls, and Shenron appeared above him.

“I am the Eternal Dragon, state your wishes and I will grant them.”

Cell held the shirt up, scowling. “Clean the paint off this.”

Shenron was quiet for a moment. “Perhaps a new shirt.” the dragon said, sounding utterly unamused by his wish.

“No, clean the damned paint off this. It’s my paramour’s favorite shirt and it can’t be replaced.”

Shenron was quiet again. “Very well. Your first wish has been granted.” with a zap the shirt was clean and paintless, much to Cell’s relief, “And your second wish?”

“Do I have to take the other wishes?” 

“.... No you do not.” The dragon actually sounded annoyed now. 

“Then I want nothing else.” Cell folded the shirt neatly, tucking it under his arm, “That will be all.”

“..... Very well. Farewell.” the dragon vanished, and the dragon balls blasted off in random directions.

Cell let out a sigh of relief. Instant transmitting back to Bulma, who had Mita in her lap. Cell exchanged the Dragon Radar for his son, Bulma narrowing her eyes at him.

“What else did you wish for?”

Cell scoffed. “Nothing.” he took kissed Mita’s cheek, the little guy all cleaned up now. With everything sorted, Cell instant transmissioned back home. 

Hopefully Poppy was still sleeping.


	3. Gifts

Poppy sat up with a grunt. She felt like crap. She grabbed her phone, trying to remind herself what the date was. Having no job made the days blur together weirdly.

June 6th… God no wonder she was feeling like shit. She was another year closer to thirty wasn’t she? “Huh… I’m 29 today.”

She got out of bed. If there was one good thing about Mita growing fast and being a weird bioandroid baby, it was that he was sleeping through the night (that and Mita needed no diapers which she was so damned thankful for). Now she only had her depression to worry about.

She pulled on her robe, groggily making her way down stairs. The TV was on, Mita in his little play pin and watching Sesame Street over the edge with wide curious eyes. God he was already able to stand and totter around and he was only six months.

For all the benefits, there seemed to be drawbacks. She wanted it to last longer. He was going to be a toddler in no time. She walked over to him, Mita turning to her, his big grey eyes lighting up. He held up his hands, bouncing and tail wagging.

“Uh! Uh!” he said, trying to form words. How soon would it be until he was talking? Poppy picked him up, smiling as Mita tucked his head under her chin.

She walked into the kitchen, expecting to see Cell. Instead there was a cute cake on the island counter, balloons, and even a handful of presents.

“Happy Birthday, Poppy.”

Poppy jumped, backing up right into Cell’s chest and smacking the back of her head on it. “Fuuu-dge” she hissed, managing to catch the swear, she looked up at him, “Cell I told you to stop just… Being right in front or behind me. I’m going to crack my skull open on those pecs.”

Cell chuckled. “I keep forgetting not everyone I know can sense me.” He stepped around her, going to the oven and pulling out a plate with pancakes, bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. 

Poppy winced at that. The plate must of been hot. But she guessed Cell was too strong for that to hurt him.

“I made you a hearty breakfast. You can even have some of your cake now if you want.” Cell smirked at her, setting the plate on the table, “You want salsa for your eggs?”

“Yeah sure.” Poppy put Mita in the high chair, handing him a small piece of a strip of her bacon for him to nibble on.

Cell handed her the jar, then proceeded to put a few candles on the cake, lighting them with some fancy ki thing. He pushed the cake over to her, grinning. “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you~”

Oh boy his grin was kinda creepy.

“Happy birthday my dear Poppy, happy birthday to you~.”

Poppy tucked her hair behind her ear, leaning forward and blowing them out. She then started eating, Cell just watching her eat. If he had not been her boyfriend she would of been creeped out.

“Here, open my present first.” Cell slid a flat square box over to her, it was wrapped up perfectly. She almost didn’t want to open it. She peeled the paper off, pulling the top off the box and tossing out the paper.

Inside was an LP vinyl record of Dance with the Dead’s album Out of Body. “Oh my god! Cell thank you.”

“I know they are your favorite modern band.” Cell smiled at her, “I even used actual money to buy it, like you wanted me too.”

She smiled at it, not quite sure if she had the heart to tell him. “Thank you Cell, I know you had the best at heart but… uh…”

“What? Is something wrong?”

“I uh… I have this record already.”

Cell’s smile fell and he looked at her with a frown. He stood up rather suddenly, turning on his heal and walking out the front door.

“Cell?” Poppy got up, picking up Mita and following him outside. She stood on the porch as she watched Cell walk out into the distance, standing still for a long moment…

Then scream. Loudly. Very loudly. She rubbed her lips together, watching him literally lose his shit. It was her first birthday ever with him, so she understood that he was upset the gift wasn’t ‘perfect’, but to stomp his feet like he was a little kid?

After a few minutes of it. Cell stopped and walked back over to her, smiling in a forced way. “I apologize that I was unable to notice you had it already. I will make it up to you.”

“Cell it’s fine. Really. You can just exchange it. You have the receipt right?”

Cell looked at her confused, and she took that as a no. ”Uh… I guess i can send the old one to my dad then. Been wanting him to check these guys out for a while anyway.”

“I will get you a new gift. Just go inside and wait, alright?” Cell turned and blasted off before Poppy could stop him.

She went back inside, slicing herself some cake after putting Mita back in the high chair and giving him a small slice. About half an hour later, Cell popped up in the kitchen, making Poppy yet again jump in shock.

She really could not get used to that.

He was holding a small package wrapped in brown paper. He held it out to her, smiling. “Here. This should do it.

Poppy took it from him, looking up at him from under her lashes, before looking back down at it. She tore the paper, and was met with a skeleton smoking a cigarette. It was an oil painting it looked like.

She was in love with it. “Cell holy shi… Shindig. This is amazing!” She held it up, smiling at it.

“It's by one of your favorite artists.” Cell said, smirking triumphantly.

“My favorite artists?” She looked at it again. Now that he mentioned it… It seemed familiar. Poppy’s smile fell.

“I… Cell am… Am I holding a Van Gogh painting in my hands right now?”

Cell nodded. “Mhm.”

“Like an actual honest to god Vincent Van Gogh painting?”

“Yes.”

Poppy stood up and went to the dining room table, setting the painting down on the surface, hand over her mouth as her mind raced. There was no way Cell got this legitimately. Poppy turned and went up the stairs, grabbing her cell phone and dialing a number she had not used since Mita had been born.

“Ergh… Hello? Who is this? You have any idea what time it is?”

Poppy ignored Cell as he walked in the bedroom. “Bulma this is Poppy.”

“Poppy? Oh Poppy! Is something wrong?” She sounded concerned.

“I… I need your help.”

“Did Cell do something to you? I will send my husband right-”

“Cell stole a Van Gogh painting!” Poppy said loudly, her voice almost cracking, “I… I need you to come take it back before I’m arrested.”

There was a long silence. “Um…”

“I’m sorry. I know you have things to do and stuff but I don’t know what else to do aside from walking into wherever this was hanging and handing it back to them. Please help me.”

“... Okay I’ll be over to your house in an hour.”

Poppy hung up. Cell scoffing, a large pout on his face.

“It is just some early work he did. It wasn’t like I stole The Starry Night.” he grumbled.


	4. Prodigy

“So why do you keep coming to bother me, and not anyone else?”

Cell snorted. “Poppy trusts you and you have the most knowledge over anyone else, so I don’t have much of a choice.”

Bulma sighed, turning to look at Mita, who was sitting on her lab table with a thermometer in his mouth, which Bulma was helping him keep in. he didn't have… That orifice, so they had no choice.

“I already know whats wrong. He has a cold.”

“He has a cold? That's it?”

Bulma nodded, wiping Mita’s snotty face up. “Yeah, kids get them.”

“Not my child. He’s-”

“Perfect, blah blah blah. Uhuh sure.” Bulma removed the thermometer from Mita’s mouth, letting his chin go. She looked it over and made an affirmative sound. “Trunks got colds too. Would not be shocked if a baby Frieza got them also. You really are not that superior.”

Cell scowled at her, but Bulma ignored him. “He should get over it quickly at least. Keep him warm, feed him well, and keep him-”

Mita sneezed, and a laser beam passed between her and Cell, blasting a hole in the wall. She looked at the little bio-android child with wide eyes, Mita rubbing his eyes with a confused look on his face.

“He… He just... “

“He fired lasers from his eyes. Yes. What, did Trunks not do that?” Cell smirked at her.

“Okay listen eye lasers are a Piccolo and Frieza thing. So no. Trunks did not do that. He wasn’t even firing ki blasts until he was five.” Bulma cowered behind Cell when Mita sneezed again, another round of lasers firing from his eyes.

“Babies should not have lasers coming out of their eyes, is all I’m saying.” Bulma said, peeking her head from behind one of Cell’s wings, “Has he been doing this for a while or?”

“This is the first time he’s done that.” Cell walked up to Mita and picked him up, the little guy covering his eyes and whimpering, “Truly my boy is a prodigy.”

Cell held him up in the air, and Mita sneezed again, firing laser beams and a mist of snot right into Cell’s face.

Cell took Mita home with some medication to ease his sneezing. However that was only the beginning.

Mita was soon floating around near the ceiling, which freaked Poppy out.

“He could float out the window and right into space.” She hissed, trying to reach him from the chair she was standing on.

“He’s just flying.” Cell said, smiling proudly, “Look at him go.” Cell held his hands open, “Can you fly to daddy, Mita? Or mommy? Fly to one of us.”

Mita looked over his shoulder, doing a somersault, which made him giggle and clap his hands. 

Poppy clapped her hands too. “Come to mommy, honey. Come on.”

“Mama!”

“Yes that's right, momma! Now-”

Poppy was whisked off the chair by Cell, another laser beam shooting past where her head once was and into the wall, leaving a smoldering hole.

Poppy clung to Cell, Mita now crying and covering his eyes again. Cell chuckled. “Looks like they scare him.” He set Poppy down and flew a few feet into the air, scooping Mita up and bringing him back down, “I think being sick is making him go a little haywire. I’m sure once it passes it will stop being so spontaneous.”

Cell kissed the top of his head. His ki was already very strong. “I’m going to have to start training him as soon as possible or else he won’t be able to control himself.”

“Isn’t he a little young?” Poppy asked, Cell impressed that she took Mita from him without a moment of hesitation.

“Once he understands me better I will direct him on how to control his ki. If he's anything like me, he will learn quickly. Who knows, he may even pick it up on his own.”

Cell had Poppy seat Mita down in his high chair, getting a pair of sunglasses from the bowl near the front door, putting it on his little face and using the strap that was supposed to keep it around one’s neck to tie it to his head. Mita looked around, making confused noises, his hands slapping over the lenses a few times. “Wassis Da?”

Poppy looked just as confused “What are you doing?”

Cell shrugged. “It worked for that Cyclops fellow in that movie.”

“Cell, that's fiction!”

Cell chuckled. “Poppy, I have no idea how to deal with this, and I don't want the house to burn down. Let me just try it.”

Poppy held her head. “Listen just… I still own that shack. Take him there.”

Cell frowned. “You won’t come?”

“Cell I’m pretty sure right now my son could actually kill me.”

Cell frowned. She was… She was right. Mita could actually kill her. He had not thought of that.

“Alright. I will get his things and go back there. It's… Better now right?”

“Oh yeah. My brother fixed it up and wants to sell it. I’ll call him and tell him you will be there. Just… Make sure he doesn’t destroy the place.”

Cell smiled, leaning down and pressing his nose against Poppy’s. “Of course. The house will be in perfect condition.”

Cell took Mita’s things, including the little wicker crib Goku had given them, and flew back to the old house. Cell hadn't seen it in months. And now looking at it, it was a totally different place. Fresh paint, a well manicured garden, and a new roof it looked like.

“You were conceived in this house, Mita.” Cell said proudly, the child ignoring what his father was saying and trying to pull the sun glasses off his head.

“Da, off. Wan off.” Mita said, looking up at Cell with a frown.

“Alright I will take them off.” he used his telekinesis to make Mita float in front of him, taking the glasses off. The child blinked a few times, smiling as he held his hands out to him.

Cell took Mita into his arms and hugged him, nuzzling the black dome on his head and kissing it after a moment. Still felt a bit warm. But he would be better soon. “Now Mita… Daddy is going to teach you how to control your power. Okay? But first lets make you some hot soup.”

“Kay!”


End file.
